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A Pregnancy Test And An Outstretched Hand
by Rebecca MackI wrote this almost 4 years ago but as I revisit these thoughts, I wonder where my friend is and if she's found God.
I was shopping today with a friend of mine and she went a few aisles ahead of me as I perused the diaper aisle looking for the right size for my ever-growing baby. She came back with a nervous laugh, holding a pregnancy test box, threw it into the cart and said "just need one of these.." As my friend is single, I had to ask in a motherly tone "and who might you be having sex with?" She laughed and shrugged her shoulders. "Really," I said "who are you having sex with?" And she told me. It was a guy she shouldn’t really be hanging out with, let alone doing that with. As I began to think about how stupid I thought she was, I said "you really are screwed up." *** This is me, speaking from experience and from a caring perspective to someone I know wants their life to be different but just can’t seem to make it happen***
So then we got into an on/off conversation about how I think she is an idiot, not only because it’s the particular guy but also because it’s anyone at all. I know that people can do whatever they want and in this day in age, it’s the life style we live in to be having sex before we’re married and even with people who we aren’t in love with or who are just there because it’s convenient. I do not believe in premarital sex and maybe people might look at me when I say that and think, "Oh, yeah, you’re a hypocrite." But, looking back at what I went through when making that spiritless decision to have premarital sex, I can honestly say that I wish I had stuck to what I believed in from the minute I had a reason to question it at all.
There is a reason why God gave us the gift of sexuality and I asked my friend "don’t you ever feel bad after having sex?" She actually answered yes, which I was not expecting. I told her, "There is a reason for that." And there is. God made sex to be an act that joined a man and a woman in a union that is far deeper than that of the fleeting moments of physical passion brought on by two bodies bumping into one another! It bonds them, in some sense, for life. I look back now and remember someone who I loved and gave myself to (for all the wrong reasons) and at times, cannot seem to completely let go of him because of that. It’s a tragedy, actually. I feel my heart being pulled by it because it knows in some way that it was a bond that ended up being broken, but has not ever been destroyed completely. It can’t be. That is the way it was meant to be. And that is why premarital sex is not right. It totally defies everything God meant sex to be.Why would we abuse such a beautiful gift that someone gave to us? We are basically spitting in His face.
On a less spiritual note, I was wondering why she’d want to take that risk of getting pregnant. Especially because her life is a mess, and she admits to that freely. She told me to 'be quiet' because I did it. And yes, I did but I was stupid then too. I was a mess. I didn’t understand. I was blessed to find the strength to want to make things work with the father of the baby I found myself pregnant with. I was blessed that he found the strength to stick around, as he was not in a particular situation where it would be easy for him to settle down and be "stuck" with a family. Together, we turned back to God and let Him take our lives and decide what was best.
I guess I began writing this because I just am confused. I’m confused when it comes to this friend of mine for more reasons than just this. Because she knows her life is a mess but she won’t take an outstretched hand for help. She knows what she does is wrong but she can’t find the strength to say no. At the same time as being confused, I am also empathetic. Wasn’t I once in the same position in life that she is in? Wasn’t I lost and alone and weak and scared? I find myself oddly mesmerized by someone who is exactly like the Me of 2 years ago. It’s like watching a horror movie and screaming at the person in it to ‘don’t do that’ or ‘don’t go that way’ because you know what will happen. And of course, they can’t hear me so I find myself watching them do exactly what I told them not to and ending up where I knew they’d end up......in an unfortunate situation that only they themselves could have prevented. No amount of my "screaming" at them would’ve made them do otherwise.
I have been blessed with a kind heart but at the same time, sometimes see it as a curse because I often find myself caring too much. I want to help my friend but what do you do for someone who just won’t take your hand? I try not to let it over power me, to not become co-dependent about it because I don’t want it to cause me to neglect myself and my life, as co-dependency does. So I watch. I keep my distance and I wait, illuminating my outstretched hand once in a while so as to remind her it is still there, but sometimes letting it drop to give myself a break. What else is there to do, shy of turning my back completely?
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